There have been times in my life where I have had to face something I did not want to admit. Conflict is not tied to a place, it is tied to people. Family, extended family, neighbors, business, and church all carry different roles, but they all carry the same reality. At some point, there will be misunderstanding, offense, and hurt. Some relationships I was placed into by God, like family. Others came through my own decisions, like business. And some I believe I was led into. But none of them are free from difficulty.
I have been hurt in ways that stayed with me longer than I expected. Words spoken in a moment that were never taken back. Being misunderstood when I knew my intentions were right. Having my integrity questioned when I had done nothing wrong. Being overlooked after giving my time and effort. Watching people change under pressure. Even silence, when something should have been addressed but was not, has created distance that did not need to be there. Those things do not just pass. They settle if they are not dealt with.
But I have also had to face the other side of it. I have not only been hurt, I have hurt others. There have been times I spoke too quickly and said things that cut deeper than I realized. Times I cared more about being right than understanding the person in front of me. Times I did not listen well, or I assumed instead of asking. There were moments I avoided hard conversations, and that avoidance created space where things broke down. Pressure, especially in business, has made me harder than I should have been at times. I can see now that I have contributed to the very thing I do not like dealing with.
Part of this for me is how I am wired. In construction, they have called me a pit bull. When something is not right, I lock in. I push. I do not back down. That has helped me solve problems and move things forward. I believe that drive was given to me for a reason. But I have also come to see that the same traits that help me can also cause harm if they are not under control. The same strength that helps me stand firm can turn into pride. The same persistence that solves problems can run over people. What was meant to build can end up tearing down.
Another weakness I have seen in myself is this. When I get hurt, I can close a person out like they do not exist. I do not always argue or fight. I just shut the door. I stop engaging. I move on as if they are no longer there. And in my mind, it feels controlled. It feels like I am handling it without conflict. But in reality, it creates a different kind of damage. It leaves things unresolved and creates distance that grows over time. It is not strength, it is avoidance.
I think about my brother Frank and the fifty years he stayed with the same group of people. That kind of life does not happen without conflict. It does not happen without hurt on both sides. What allowed him to stay was learning how to deal with it. He told me something that has stayed with me. If what someone says about you is true, then it shows you something you need to work on. If it is not true, then how you respond will determine what happens next.
That same truth is written in Scripture. “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). That goes directly against my natural response. My instinct is to push back or shut down, not to respond with something better.
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” James 1:19
Jesus made this even clearer when He spoke about forgiveness. He said to forgive again and again, even when it happens repeatedly. When the disciples heard that, they said, “Lord, increase our faith” (Luke 17:5). They understood that this kind of life requires something beyond natural strength.
That is where this becomes real for me. I do not struggle with strength. I struggle with control. I struggle with knowing when to hold back, when to stay engaged, and when not to shut a person out. I struggle with choosing patience over reaction and forgiveness over pressing the issue. What I have seen clearly is this. If I do not bring my strength under control, it will continue to cause damage, no matter how justified I feel in the moment.
This is not just my struggle, it is a human one. Every person will face it. We will be hurt, and we will hurt others. The question is not whether it happens, but what we do when it does. We can let it harden us, or we can deal with it the right way.
For me, the issue is not strength. The issue is what I do with it. Left on its own, it pushes too hard or shuts people out completely. But when it is brought under control, it changes how I respond, how I speak, and how I handle people. That is where the real work is.
“He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” — Proverbs 16:32
That puts it in the right place. The greatest battle is not with other people, it is within ourselves. And that is something every one of us must learn.